The evil and the good stepfather and stepmother Print
Written by Ayurvéda portál   

A gonosz és a jó mostoha When an alien arrives into a gammy family, the newcomers are many times called as stepchild. Because of our childhood tales the word has a negative charge for many people, which also marks that not all tale types were defined correctly, or rather the authors didn’t familiarized the stepmothers with the people. Anyway the scope of problem is worth for an article because we may learn a lot from it.

It is not an accident that I wrote this circumstance as a scope of problem. The seed of the problem resides in the nature of the man. For that person who is living according to the body one of the nature like this is the affection, while his senses changes exceptionally hard because of his material nature, most of the people cannot or can forgive very slowly, or rather his fears arisen from these will be also more dominant at this time. What does this mean?

If the family mutilates the darkness appears in all of his members certainly, mostly in the form of the fear or in the form of different kind of denials. If an adult parent dies than this is understandable, as long as one of the parent leaves the family of his own free will, also in this case leaves a gap in the heart of those who remained. The fear is a very strong bond, revives also the desire right away changing the situation. The child would like to get back the parent who left him, the adult person interprets the solution of the problem more wider:desires for another partner. With an ayurvedic eye this is the game of the tamasz and the radzsasz in the man.
 
In this difficult spiritual situation usually the adult man’s desire wins and the stranger arrives into the family. The child still awaits his parent back. It is difficult for him to release this desire, to forgive because of the above mentioned reasons, even those habits which the new parent enroles to the daily routine. Beside the absurdity for the change also denial or rebellion takes shape towards the stepmother or stepfather, and the hotbed of the conflict is ready. This raises also that fact that an adult man relates to the stepchild differently than to his own sweet child or rather the hesitation and fear in the stepmother or stepfather that they do not know how far they can go ahead in the questions of the child rearing.  
 
So that there is a negative idea about the stepmothers and stepfathers has a reason, since the nature of the man is not able to handle this situation instinctively differently. That this has to stay like this is another question. Whose responsibility is that if a conflict inflames and whos responsibility is the solution of the conflict? The answer is very simple:it is always the task of the adult person. It is the parent’s responsibility that during following his desires he always should be aware of that, that he raises a child and he communicates his interest arising from this to his future partner. It is also his responsibility that beside his desires he selects a partner who is able to live with this situation together, accepts the difficulties arising from this and makes an effort to solve the conflicts. The task of the stepmother and stepfather is that he should be able to decide with a responsibility beside the evolved situation, and to aim for it to let the child senses be able to change. Not with denial and with prohibition, but with an influce to the child’s mind:with the exploration of the causal connections, with the setting of the correct aims, and with the conscious efforts towards the aims accepted together (which also contains the aims of the child).  At the beginning the adult man should be able to conform to the child better than reversely, since his aim did not come true yet since the family mutilated.  
 
The stepmother or stepfather has to turn to the child despite the child’s initial denials, rejections, that the domination and the adult power should not be presented in it at all. The contact building is only possible through gaining of the confidence, the confidence though on the understanding of the man’s intentions. If a child trust an adult man, than accepts also cues from him, since he feels that it is also for him. The confidence building is also the task of the adult parent, he cannot leave the two people alone in order to save the situation. The child has confidence in connection with the parent, based on this the confidence can be inherited to the stepmother or stepfather as well. The adult parent has to understand that the child’s desire cannot come true (of course the possible superfine, taking the fraility of the childlike senses into consideration ), and has to insure continuously, tht those things, that the child expected from the departed parent, may get it also in this family, while he may keep contact with his distant parent in any kind of form. That parent who left the family has also the responsibility to strenghten the child in these things. Putting away the contingent offences and fears it is important that he should not communicate the contingent secret desire to the child (e.g. that the new conact won’t be stable anyway), but let the child assure that he is in the possible largest emotional and physical safety anyway.  

The adult’s responsibility is that he should think as a child, since he was already a child.  From the child this cannot be expected reversely, since he does not understand the adult world. Who aims to God, who believes in him and is hoping, does not mutilate a family. The mutilating of a family is mostly the result of a sin (except the death), an adult man may make this good if he sews the consequences as well. If the effect of the irresponsibility is spreading in the form of the darkness, than the sin and the remorse stemming from that escorts the man trough his whole life. If though sews the threads of the sin and takes finally responsibility for his acts, than he escapes from the devil’s net.