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Az ember, aki szomjazza és kutatja az igazságot, és követi azt, amit igaznak hisz, akkor is benne van az Élet könyvében, ha megtévesztett.

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The dilemma of the obtuseness
You may decide every day, whether you follow the bars recognised by the humanity, or you believe in it that in God everything is possible and you knock them down.
Sibling-jealousy Print E-mail
Written by Horváth-Kovács Diána   

Parents, besides of the joy of waiting for their second baby, often struggle with the changing behaviour of their first-born child. Is the sibling jealousy an expected and normal reaction of the elder child, or can parents do something that it will not happen when the new baby will be born? If they can, how they can teach trust to the child?
 
 
What kind of changes may the parent observe in the behaviour of the fist child?
 
- The child became aggressive with the infant or with his smaller brother. His aggression may express in bodily harms, ex.: he pushes over his brother furiously, shakes his hand while the small one does not burst into tears.
- He often takes away his small brother's games
- He is getting angry and nervous if the Mum takes care of the smaller child
- He hits his parents and those people who loves his small brother
- He does everything to get into the centre of the attention, sometimes such a way that he damages himself, or his environment
- He tries to get more attraction with tantrum
- He imitates his small brother, ex. if he became housebroken, it can happen that he wets himself or shits overnight
- He competes continuously with his sibling
- He often mentions that he would like to be the only child of his parents
- He became obviously charitous and kind to achieve everybody's affection
- Etc. 
 

WHAT IS IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE JEALOUSY?

Although many people think that this process is normal for the second child, the truth is far from the generalisation. In the background of the jealousy strong fears are hidden in the child. Fear from not be loved by his parents if they “changed” him to a new baby. The child who strongly desires his parents' love has excessive insistence. A jealous child does not feel emotionally secure beside his parents. The environment often feels sorry for the child because of his behaviour, although the main thing to feel sorry for is the fact that distrust could evolved in the child against his parents.
 
A child with healthy self-evaluation, who has a healthy bond to his parents (not insisting), is able to express himself independently and does not turn into influenced in his actions because of his small brother was born. The positive bond, the trust, developed in him, which helps him in such a situations when he needs to share his parents' attention.
 
The emotional safety of a child could get injured if he does not see right behavioural and conflict-handling strategies from the parents. If he sees that the parents reaction to unexpected situations is despair and not conflict-research, he could easily react the same way when his sibling arrives. He can not react other way as he learnt the conflict-solving strategies from his parents. We can not expect from him to wait the new baby with love and joy if we had not prepared him to do so.
 
Question arises: is the child tought how to live and express love, and if he is, how? In love parent leaves his child freely and does not restrict him, ex.: what he should play with, with whom he should became friend, who he should kiss, etc. Real love is not based on the word ‘love’ and not on the answer for those kind of questions as ‘ do you love Mummy, Daddy?’. It is also not based in the extortion of kiss, stroke, smile and other nice gestures of the child. If we teach him the unconditional acceptance what we call love, he would accept his sibling also. Parents need to show example to the child how to live and express love properly.
 
We can read in many forums a good advise that parents need to spend as much time as possible with the child before the new baby borns, because after it they will not have opportunity for it. This view is incorrect because the child would feel much more emptiness if we just stop our increased attention after the sibling's arrival because of our many other tasks. Organizing separate programs with the elder brother is also not suggested, because he will treat his sibling separated, and this way we do not support the unity of the family also. It is unnecessary to give illusion to the child, which will increase his insecurity as soon as the created illusion ends. 

AYURVEDIC BABY TYPES AND THE JEALOUSY - WHAT CAN PARENT DO

If we check the ayurvedic personality of the babies we can say that the Vata baby is able to live through the most intense jealousy. Because Vata baby's challenge is the ability to the fear and the doubt, he would see the jeopardizing of his existence and emotional safety in his small brother. Vata baby needs to be involved in the nursing of the newly arrived baby, and parents needs to secure equal treatment to both of them. Any kind of differentiation would harm the Vata baby. Parents need to be maximal patient with Vata baby, and instead of fulmination they should theach him the right behaviour and encourage him with the acquired positive behaviour patterns.
 
Pitta child becomes hysterical and incalculable at the time of the appearance of the ‘rival’. It requires increased attention from the parent to protect the new baby from him. It is worth to involve Vata and Pitta children into the baby-waiting, but those questions as ‘who is there in the tummy?’ are not enough. Parents need to increase the desire for his new sibling in the children so that the baby’s born will make him happy. Desire could be increased with giving him small responsibilities such as: he will help with the baby's feeding, he will play with him, he will teach him all what he already recognised from the world. Most of the time it is enough if we just caress the child and strenghten his emotional bond with bodily contact.
 
The ancestor confidence characterizing the Kapha baby's personality would easily lead him through the new state generated by the sibling's arrival. He will be glad about his new brother because his calm temper and his intense tolerance skill and he will notice the opportunities residing in him. 
 
Final good advise for the parents: let’s learn to trust in themselves, in the other people and in God! Guilt felt for their partner and children would not take them up, but would deeper the distance between the members of the family. The learnt confidence is inherited by the child, who will radiates this ability for trust back as a mirror. This way the jealousy goes away, and the family  members would be freed from their fears and their doubts.
 

 

 

Daily caution

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Óvakodj attól, amit a tested kíván, mert a test vágya egy félelem démontól ered. Szolgáld ki azt, amit a lélek kíván, mert az teljessé tesz. A test romlandó dolgokra vágyik, mint ő maga, a lélek romolhatatlan dolgokra vágyik, mint ő maga. Aki a lélek vágyait beteljesíti megkaphatja a test vágyait is ráadásként, azonban fordítva nem lehetséges ez.

Téves mondások

Én próbálom, de...
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"Én próbálom, de..." - Ha csak próbálod, azt jelenti, hogy kettőségben teszed. Ne félj, dönts végre! Tedd, akkor viszont add bele a lelkedet, vagy ne tedd, akkor pedig keress más utat. Hit nélkül tenni valamit olyan, mintha olyan biciklivel mennél, aminek nincsen pedálja.